Awesomeness

Has been some time... I wasn't in the mood to write. There are some people who needs someone to stand up and buy their fight. There is a chance they won't join you because they are to afraid or to stupid. Either way you end up alone and certainly of lose. Well, shit happens, don't let it stop you of giving a hell of a fight. You belived in something, you stood up for it and you fought for it. You are awesome.

Where did I came  from, where am I going, who I was and who will I became?
It is not about knowing these answers, but it is all about the searching.
How you do it, how you live, how you act. Thats what defines you.

Hitchhiker

How screwed am I? No sleep at all. One AM and not a single bit of sleep. Instead I got these catch phrase in my mind. All together. The true, the fucking true. Doesn’t matter how bittersweet it is. It’s the true. We are broken. As society, as people, as humans. We are failures. Today a girl friend said “We are mistakes. Not that it is entirely bad. But we are. We are made to fail”. I reply “we shat in our homes, we poison our food, our water, our air. We are so fucking evolved. Praise evolution.” Honestly, I do believe in evolution. Human kind is like in a bus. We start just with the driver getting the fuck out of Big Bang city. He drove for about fourteen billion years and makes a stop for pee. Well, shit happens. Who is on the road taking a shit? “Yeah, I could give you a ride, get in.” he said. And the evolution begins. After  years driving by caves the driver decide to take a detour. “It’s a shortcut, trust me. I am the driver, after all”. We were kind of lost for a while. They called it Dark Age. Funny name, we took a passenger named God and another named Church. God stood by the window looking for outside in silence. Church was a fat, the most fat and lazy thing in the world. The Church was wearing a white and red vestment and lots of golden stuff. Church sat down with human kind and start to chat “You know, I know everything! Yeah, do you have a minute or maybe a thousand years? I can show you so many things!” In a blink the church convinced the driver to slow down and stop. When everything looked fucked up. A group of guys, hitchhikers that were passing by came to talk “Hey guys, are you in trouble? What is wrong?” it was when they saw Church inside the bus. “Oh, shit.” The driver looked at them and kind of woke up. He looked at his clock and screamed “Holy piece of thunder shit! I am SO late.” He started the bus again and took the road. The guys got in talking fast. They all had a sharp smile and fire in the eyes. They stared at Church talking to human kind and felt silent for a while. They traded looks and finally one of them took courage to talk. “Hi, guys. Hello.” Church looked him up to down and said “Hello”. Human kind merely opened eyes. I was like a dream. The guy went on just trying to make conversation “Did you notice how the weather is these days?” Church was all “Yeah, sure. And I know why, but I won’t tell you. You would not understand”. The other guy said “Oh, ok. Who is your friend?” Church looked to Human kind waking up and turned again to the new guy “hey, keep it down, you are waking him, shut the fuck up”.  The guy took a step back. In a soft voice he tried again “Oh, sorry. Well did you knew the world is round and spin around the sun?” Church cut him “Shut up, your idiot. Of course it is not. We are the center and it is plain. If it was round we would fall from the edge, asshole” The guy came back to his friends and said. “It’s a waste of time, we got here too late. Who is that guy staring outside?” The others said “we don’t know. Nobody understood him. We were just talking about an idea think with us. If you are there, but , you do nothing. Are you really there?” The other guy thought about it for a while. “Just like if a tree falls in the middle of a forest, but there is no one to see. Does the tree really fell?” The others changed a look and started arguing. They made such a mess that Church was interested. Now shit just got serious. Human kind woke in the middle of a fucking nightmare. There was a bunch of guys laughing. A fat and pompous guy almost crying, red eyes, red face, screaming and spiting everywhere. “You’re all wrong! You are lieing.” One of the guys said “my old man used to say ‘empty chart makes lots of noise’”. Church said “I will tell god, you will see” and went to the guy at the window. “They mocked me. They said I am wrong. Do something, kill them, punish them!” The guys started laugh even harder. Human kind approached and asked “Hey guys, what is so funny?” One of them just pointed with the finger. Human kind saw Church crying alone in a bench. That was kind of funny, kind of sad. One of them took a breath, put a hand on Human kind shoulder and said “did you get the joke?” Human kind looked again puzzled. “It’s ok, take your time” the guy said. Human kind stared through the window and there was nothing outside. But when the bus passed by something bright Human kind saw it and started to laugh. There was the joke, all the time. They thought they were talking with god, but all the time was just their reflex in the window, trembling. So how fucked you think you are. Remember, we hit the bottom. And there are no mirrors down there. Just shit. My girl friend gave me a great inspiration. I rather more a blowjob, but, as I said, down here there is only shit. My nickname is Macgyver because I make awesome things out of shit. I am also doing Engineer school. Yeah, I know. I make myself the same question every fucking moment “What the hell is an Engineer student doing writing?” I could say “it’s a D plan. Just in case plan A, B and C fail”. As a matter of fact, plan A is not going that well. I was supposed to be sleeping right now. Tomorrow I would study chemistry. Well, at least… at least… sleep came. Finally! 

Once upon a time

                So, here I am. Twenty seven years old, engineer grad student. My parents were pride, of course, it is programmed in their DNA. Makes me happy know it. Anyway. Long ago I was like “in love” with this girl. Well, at least as much as a teenager can be “in love”.  We start smiling at each other and holding hands. She was fantastic. I always thought about her as perfect. Her smile, her hair, her cloths… back there I didn’t realize that the beauty is in the eyes. I went to high school and our lives took different ways.  We lost contact, not even by e-mail. I never saw her again, until yesterday. I was at a party in a friend’s garage.  “Hey, brow” my brother said with a high five. “Welcome, dude. Why did you take so long? Grab a beer or a drink, it’s all over that table there”.  “I was at class”.  I am a private professor. It’s not easy to pay the bills as student, so I make an extra cash giving lessons to high school students.  I shook some hands; lots of my former friends from fraternity were there. I was walking straight to the beer table, just looking for a glass when I saw it. That blond hair. The way it moves. It was she. For a moment, a short and slight moment, my heart skipped a beat. Everything went slow motion. The sun was shining against her and turning her hair into gold. For that second, or split of second all my old “love” came back from hell just to give me a sucker punch. I froze, forgetting what I was supposed to do next, kept standing there, waiting forever for her finish the turn. If the past give us sucker punches some times, well, the reality is not so sweet. Reality kicks us on the nuts. It was she, same hair, same look, and same face. But she was ugly.  I felt like when a rock smash against a window. My childhood love was gone, turned into a million pieces or more. I start to laugh and took a jar of some drink, drunk it up. All of it. I don’t remember when the world begun to spin around me. I was so drunk I couldn’t even write my name on a messenger I was trying to send from phone. “Why the hell am I sending this?” I asked some guy next to me at the bar. “Wait a moment, who are you? And where are we?” He made a smile “I am with your cousin, you just walk in and ordered a Jack Daniels Cowboy”. He pointed to my hand. I saw the glass, smile him back and drunk. Some hands just covered my eyes. “You’ll never find out who am I”. The bar was crowded. I heard my brother singing, he was playing that night. I didn’t know her, not her muffed voice, at least. Slowly I turned. I kept my eyes closed. Her hands now were over my shoulders, crossed behind my neck. I kissed her. I really didn’t know her voice. I just turn and did it without looking, without hesitation. What a hell of a kiss. I was drunk; I didn’t remember how I got there. All of a sudden, my life became a movie. I was looking myself holding her hands and taking her to the door. I saw us getting out of the bar and walking to my house. I saw us kissing as I tried to put my keys on the door. We felt to the mattress on the floor. She took out my shirt. “You are so cute” she said kissing my breast. “Who would imagine that we would end up here? We met that other day at the bus station” she laughed. We just had met, two days ago. I was taking a bus to my parent’s city and somewhere in the way I met her. She was hot. She had a sensual look. I stopped by her side and start conversation with the guy just in front of her. “Hey dude, aren’t you from SGS?” he looked to me, opened a smile “MacGyver!? What a fuck are you doing here, man? Hey, this is Lara.” She said “I know him, he is Marcelo’s brother”. I smiled to her and said “Actually, he is my brother. I am older”. She laughs and gives me a slight slap in the shoulder. “Hey, man, is she always that violent?” and smiled to her.  I sat next to her in the bus. First I didn’t said nothing. Just put my headset and started to pretend I was choosing a song. She was looking to me, but I pretend not notice. She took one of my headsets off and asked “what kind of music do you like?” I was listening to ‘wish you were here’ at time, and she liked. She started to sing along, she sang it wrong. “You are not so bad, just need to practice your English” she fake angry “Are you saying I am a bad singer?” I smiled her and said “No, you are a horrible singer, but I am too polite to say so” she laughed again. “Hey, do you want to kiss me?”  She was laughing even more “Look the things you say. Asking this like that”. I got closer and said “Well, you didn’t say ‘no’. Did you?” Closer, she laughed again and looked to my lips. I kissed her that night. She was taking my pants off, slowly. I took of my shoes. She was wearing a black dress and black panties. “Lay down” she said, and, without effort her dress was out over her head. She had huge boobs. She was over me. I just catch my wallet and took of a condom.  “I don’t know why we are doing it. Don’t think I do it with every guy. I am not a slut. But, I can’t say… I just trust you” she smiled and bit her lips as I was entering her. She moved her hips, slowly. My left hand was holding her waist and my right touching her face. “Hey, you are very good at it, are you sure you are not even a little bit sluts?” We laughed. Her nails were carved in my breast. I started moving my hips too. She was moaning and breathing deep. Her eyes was shining, she was alive and hot. “All women are sluts, some just pretend too well” she said to me. And we speed up. I hold her breast in my hand and we danced for a while. In silence, we just breathed, and moved our hips. We couldn’t stop. We came. And she laughed. And I kissed her. “Well, it was really good” she said.  “Who said it is over?” I replied. We start kissing again; my fingers were playing with her dark hair. “Do you think I am pretty?” I smiled and kissed her, she was pretty, and hot. She turned her back to me. “You didn’t answer”.  I hugged her from behind. Moved my mouth to her ear and whispered “You are really hot, dear, and also pretty. I would lie to you, but my friend here wouldn’t let me” Her hand slid down and found me hard again. “It’s my personal lie detector” she said turning to me. She kissed me in the lips, and then she moved to my neck and down and gave me a blow job.  I stopped her, gentle. “You better stop a little; now” she looked to me “may I ask you something?” I looked puzzled “You may ask anything, I just don’t know if I will allow” and smiled. “Fuck me dog style, please?” I was just wondering every sex perversion internet can show you, so, it was kind of a relief. “Sure, baby. I will be our pleasure. It is nice inside you. You know?” Her hand was in my hips and she screamed “Harder, harder, and HARDER! Yes, yes, yes. That’s good, that’s great”. “I know it’s a compliment, but, don’t wake my neighbors, ok?” She laughed again and moaned and came again. We just lay together a little. “You know, they say there is something people never forget, you want to know what?” Multiple orgasms, I guessed. “Hum, winning the lottery?” “Ha-ha, no, silly. A kiss in the eye” she kissed my eye. “Now you turn” then I did it too.  She dressed up, and went home. I was thirsty. Got up and went to kitchen. When I closed the fridge door, a shadow was standing there. I throw up the beer. Almost crapped, pushed it away, grabbed the beer again and turned on the lights. My cousin was standing there in underwear with a smile. “Motherfucker, you almost gave me a heart attack. Hahaha. What fuck are you doing here” before I could finish I saw my cousin’s girlfriend walking in the kitchen. For a moment I forgot I was just in underwear too. “Oh, hi, there. What time is it?” She was with the same dirt smile my cousin was holding. “5 am. I try my best to keep it down when I am with Rod and you came here and make all that noise” Yes, it was THAT loud, shit. Now it was late for complains, well, fuck, worth it. It was a good night. We drink a beer together and I went to the shower. Next morning, at lunch, every single motherfucker, even my best friend Eric, was with that dirt smile. “This bread is hard, but I had seen harder, harder, HARDER”.  “Shit guys, I am so sorry for you.” And then everybody lost the smile and looked to me wondering “looks like none of you got laid last night, everybody was too busy listening to live porn and forgot to ACTUALY do something” they throw bread on me and we all laughed. 

First short story

    Well, they told me... indeed they had told me about happy endings. Its easy write about what you know, and, for what you don’t we got the clichés.

Actually it wasn't to be just another sad story. Just another way to show people how there always someone more fucked then they are. So I begin this failing. It's fucking hilarious, somehow. I guess when you hit the bottom and you realize the pit is full of shit you just take a deep breath and dive. And then, all covered in shit you realize how happy you really are, and how lucky. How things can get worse? And so you star to remember all those clichés. "Life may take you down but it is your choice to get up". I have no job, no graduation, 27 years old and I am kind of short. Looks like a nerd, no, I am not any genius. Everything I learned was by hard work. I decided to change things. One day I just looked in the mirror and said: "Enough". I shaved, a showered, I cleaned my room and start to study how to study. How my brain works and how could I use it to make some money? Nothing came, so I decided to go out and grab a drink. My buddy McFadden and I went to this college bar. There was a party going on. My university ID was with me so we came in. It was quite empty, but soon we get there, people starts to show up. My girl friend came over and stopped to talk a little. "Hi, guys" she kissed us in the cheek. I turned to be at her side and have a look at the party. Then we start to talk. "Aren't you liking what you where seen?"

"Well, you are unique, but not the unique" I said with a smile.

She seemed quite intrigued, with my answer, but she smiled anyway.

"I'm going take a beer, be right back"

Indeed, I wasn't in the mood to chat. All I wanted was a whisky and a place to put my head in place. I was lost in myself. Fucked up, broken... and I knew it there were no help in blaming the world. This was on me... talk about myself wouldn't help. Someone told me to look for therapy. No way, my mom is a therapist, I know all their tricks. If someone could help me, I would be this person. I was in the semester's start, all my life before me... well; actually there was a drink before me and a bartender, and after, far away across the bar, the girl that would change the night. She was looking to me or was just my imagination? Last vacations I read about these guys, the PUAs. They were like these superheroes of picking girls. They could get any girl, any time. I would be awesome if I’ve got these kinds of "powers". So in my research I found about this guy who was as nerd as I and manage to became one of the best PUA around the world. I bought the book. I read it all in like one day. There was my chance. I through about getting up and walk to her, and then I asked myself, what would Hank Moody do? Well he is the other writer I know who can get the girls. And my answer was "nothing" he would do nothing and wait to the shit hit the fan. So I barely took note of her, give her a slight smile and keep drinking.

When I looked again she was gone. I ordered other whisky and turned my back to the bar just to see her coming to me. She looked surprised and asked "how did you do it?"

I smiled.

"Magic"

She was amused.

"What is your poison?"

She looked to the bartender and asked vodka. Then she sat at my side and we start to chat.

The whole world was kind of fading around us. But at same time I could know exactly what was going on. And so I saw a drunken guy coming forward. Just in time I grabbed her and did a twist. The guy throws up all over the bar and her sit.

"You are really a magician"

"Well, to be honest, I just pay attention". We laugh. I would like to say we kissed. But no. My girl friend showed up, the girls starts to talk like old friends. Just the way only girls can do. Like a magician I was that night, I took the cue and disappeared.

So I understood why we say "I am not in the mood". I was not in the mood, I was not Hank Moody.

I was just me, drinking my scotch, blaming myself for my shit life again.

Until the end of the night or times, any one comes first.

Presente adiantado...1° de abril

Bem que me disseram
E não é que acertaram?
A senhorita tem pernas curtas
Moça, me engana...
engana que eu gosto.
E quem não gosta?
Impossível resistir
a um sorriso como o seu.
Caloroso, carinhoso.
As vezes até com uma pitadinha
de malícia.
Mas só um golinho.
Apenas um tempero pra vida.
Sem maldade,
nem segundas intenções.
Apenas uma pequena mentira
com pernas curtas
cabelos loiros
olhos alegres e
um grande coração!